Periods of physical separation are common in most relationships and it takes effort – but you can have the best of both worlds
• Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a problem sent in by a reader

My boyfriend and I are both in our early twenties and have been together for almost a year. In the past two months we have committed to a long-distance relationship.

When we are together everything is perfect; I truly feel like we have something special. However, we both struggle with communicating over text/calls and this can cause our relationship to stagnate. We are only able to meet every month or so as we live in different cities and both lead very busy lives. This situation is causing me tremendous anxiety – so much so that it could irrevocably affect our relationship – especially as there is no clear date as to when we’ll be able to live in the same area again.

We’re all on different timelines for love and fun, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. If you want a good dating life, focus first on creating a robust social life

• Read more Leading questions

I have a bit of an embarrassing situation: I’m 24, single, a lesbian, and I’ve never been with anyone! I have had depression for a few years – a combination of family losses and years caring for my terminally ill mother, only going out to work. It’s been a lot, and I’m only just starting to feel better.

People I know either met someone in school and are happily coupled up or they were able to have wild “coming-of-age” experiences at university. Lots of sex, club nights and friends. I’ve got life experience some of those people haven’t had. But I feel as though I missed out on that opportunity to practise dating and sex.

It seems that to meet someone nowadays it’s through work, apps or on a night out. I work in a male-dominated industry. There are no gay bars within 70 miles of me, but I’d go if I had lesbian friend to go with. I’ve tried apps. They tend to be geared to hook-ups, straight couples looking for threesomes or older folks looking for “the one”.

Jordan, 23, a civil servant, meets Frances, 24, a journalist

What were you hoping for?
If I’m honest: free food and to meet someone interesting.

Brandon, 28, and Christine, 27, became close friends when they worked together at a Covid testing lab. Now they live in different countries, but make time to continue their friendship

When Brandon and his boyfriend moved to London from Wales in April 2021, there wasn’t much going on. With the city under lockdown, he took a job in a Covid lab at Gatwick Airport. “I was processing PCR tests for people who were travelling,” he says. “I didn’t know anyone in London except my boyfriend, but luckily the team I was working with were great.”

In June, they were joined by Christine, a biology graduate who lived in London and had transferred from the PCR testing lab at Heathrow. “When I arrived, they seemed like a tightknit team, so I was a bit anxious about fitting in,” she says. “But Brandon was super friendly and that drew me to him straight away. I really wanted to be his friend.”

We have an insatiable desire for each other. But it’s stopping us developing the less sexual sides of our relationship

My partner and I, both of us women, have a lot of sex. It’s got to the point where we miss appointments and are late to meetings. We are in a long-distance relationship, but even when we’re apart from one another we masturbate on the phone a lot.

She thinks we’re not normal and need help, though I think we are just extremely attracted to one another. We have tried to reduce the amount of sex we have but it just doesn’t work long term. When we do see each other, we will spend the whole trip having sex. Even at my parents’ house we somehow found a way to have sex with each other.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

Felix, 24, a film programmer, meets Erin, 23, an archaeologist

What were you hoping for?
Someone to talk to about absolutely awful movies. More importantly, someone kind in wonderful knitwear.

The transition can bring complicated feelings of guilt and shame, alongside joy and a sense of relief. New research shows these experiences can coexist

• The modern mind is a column where experts discuss mental health issues they are seeing in their work

Carers, people who provide unpaid support to family members and friends with health impairments – be that illness, frailty, disability or otherwise – are common among us. Reports from the Carers Trust estimate the number of unpaid carers could be as high as 10.6 million in the United Kingdom. Approximately three in five people will be unpaid carers at some point in their lives, with a significant number who say caring has a negative impact on their mental health. In Australia estimates are similar, with nearly 12% of the adult population taking on caring roles.

These statistics highlight the prevalence of caregiving, but hide the complexities of carers’ experiences, as well as the profound changes to the lives they knew. While support during the care journey is important, so too is recognition and help after the person being cared for has died.

You’re chasing something that only you can give yourself: a feeling of security and self-worth

The question I’ve been with my partner for more than 25 years and while he’s perfect in pretty much every way, and I love him very much, I have a history – in our relationship – of casual sex and one-night stands. There have been periods of many years when I was monogamous, 10 years in particular during which our two children were born. Although he’s an attentive and selfless lover, he seldom interests me in that way and I still get an overwhelming kick from a one-night stand. I know I’ve damaged him with my behaviour, and that he feels inadequate, but I long for him to agree to marry me. I’ve proposed more than once, but he’s declined on account of my infidelity. Other than this issue, he makes life perfect for me and our family. I wish he knew how much he means to me, but I worry one day he’s just going to leave. How can I fix this?

Philippa’s answer What strikes me most is the contradiction between your deep love and appreciation for your partner and your simultaneous pursuit of sexual experiences outside the relationship. You describe him as “perfect in pretty much every way”, yet you also acknowledge your history of infidelity, which has understandably caused him pain and led to his hesitation about marriage. I want to explore this contradiction, because I sense it holds the key to understanding your inner struggle.

A visiting interstate colleague proved the stuff of Dani Netherclift’s literary daydreams – but could Al ever move beyond her couch?

• Find more stories from The moment I knew series here

In the spring of 2004, I was working in sales in Melbourne. An IT guy was deployed from our Sydney headquarters to help set up the internet in our new office. Al had a laid-back vibe and played bass in a band and I immediately liked what I saw.

I was in my late 20s and had been single for a few years, living what I liked to think of as a kind of Secret Life of Us existence in St Kilda (it was the era), drinking, smoking, reading good literature and writing (unpublished) poetry while dreaming of perfect kisses.

For Elena and John, intimacy and trust has replaced that early urgent passion – but they still have their moments
How do you do it? Share the story of your sex life, anonymously

He’s more experienced than me, because he had an ex-girlfriend who was quite into kinky sex

Clemmie, 27, a television writer, meets Joe, 28, a civil servant

What were you hoping for?
A Hollywood romance story to tell the grandkids. Also, that he wouldn’t judge me for ordering pizza (I’d studied the restaurant menu in advance).

Move fast, break things, sprint to kiss Trump’s ring: Marina Hyde on the tech bro inauguration derby. ‘I get hate from both sides – vegans and carnivores’: James Collier on UPFs, emotional eating and why he created Huel. And “My partner blames a ‘lack of attraction’ for not wanting sex”: Philippa Perry advises one reader